free to be ..... me

  and I feel incredibly sad. I realized the other day that I am no longer angry and it was such a huge relief to look at a photo and not feel any anger. I do not do anger well. I know it served a purpose and likely got me through the past 6 months - it just feels so foreign in my body and I don't know what to do with it other than write (and cry). It's interesting to me - I started this blog to help me process how I feel. I needed a space to allow my fingers to express what was going on in my head and my heart. I never started this blog to bash someone else or to spread lies or hate. Yes my ex has come up in some of my writings here - for me though, it was always about working through my feelings, my emotions, my confusion, my frustration. So it's incredibly hard for me to now be on the receiving end of public posts that are clearly untrue. Last Wednesday evening, I received a message with a picture of a recently posted reel. The picture said, "I was dumped over text m...

  .... do I have to be? And you know what really sucks? Writing that sentence down. It's one thing for me to have these feelings - it's another thing to actually write it - it becomes more real for me. And so the vicious cycle of overthinking starts ... .... and being stuck in my head is one of the most frustrating feelings ever. It's moments like these that I wish it was possible to turn my brain off. Seriously brain, why are you on these non-stop loops? Why is it so hard to just slow down and be in a moment? Why does this maze of words and thoughts feel like it truly never ends? Ever since I had Jamie, I knew I was a chronic over-thinker. I remember these conversations with my social worker at the time where I literally couldn't get my brain to slow down no matter what I tried. That's part of the reason I started running - I wanted my legs and body to keep up with my brain. I also at times would find myself pulling my eyebrow hairs out on my way to therapy so I co...

  My second Reiki session was a completely different experience from my first one. I still don't feel ready to write about my first session - let's just say when I got home, I was a zombie. I slept for 3 hours I was so completely exhausted. After my second appointment, I felt alive, at peace, and so much lighter. When I got to my appointment, Olivia asked me how I felt after the previous session. I told her about sleeping for 3 hours. I also mentioned that I felt "taller". She said that is amazing - that she always wants me to feel tall and above everything. I also mentioned how powerful it was to be able to sit in my meeting with Clarissa and just allow myself to feel my feelings without any reactions. That had never happened for me before and there was so much clarity and calmness in my feelings. I mentioned to her that I also saw Clarissa recently at our local event and there wasn't a physical reaction in seeing her - there was just this overwhelming sadness. I...

  I have found myself in states of anger quite frequently lately and I'm always blown away by how powerful the anger feels and then my body's reaction to these feelings. I personally don't think I handle anger well because I usually just end up crying - or maybe that is a good way of handling the anger? I remember over my years with Clarissa telling her frequently that anger is just the surface emotion - it's just the immediate reaction to something else. Perhaps that something else is pain or sadness or hurt and then these raw feelings come out as anger because often times it's easier to feel angry than it is to sit in the real, raw feelings that anger is covering up. Somedays I am finding myself angry at the universe for bringing me "here". Other days I am finding myself angry at Clarissa for so many reasons. When I am finding myself angry at the universe, I can usually get through it really quickly because I know I'm not really angry. Likely I'm...

 .... but it turns out I have a lot of healing to do. I just came back from one of the BEST trips of my life. It was also one of the most emotional trips of my life - so much laughter and so so so many tears. At one point, I remember crying so hard that I didn't feel like it would ever stop. In the past I likely would have stopped myself from letting the feelings flow - but the shoulder I was snotting on (I know, great image, right 😂) belongs to someone special and so I knew I was safe, and I just let them flow. This was the beginning of finally recognizing that I am not ok. Of course I am "ok" - I can get through my days, I eat, I practice self-care, I can care for my kiddos, I can make mostly rational decisions 😉. I'm ok. Yet on so many levels, I am also not ok. I started realizing a few weeks ago that I was having some significant anxiety around Clarissa coming back to Canada and coming to my place to get her stuff. I was uncomfortable. I knew my oldest was uncom...

  Some days I just can't life ..... and the other day was definitely one of them. I started feeling this earlier in the week but did a pretty decent job of warding it off. Plus I had the kids coming AND I got to Zumba with my fave instructor ever so my energy was a little more balanced. Then Thursday hit and I literally wanted to lay in bed and pull a blanket over my head and NOT LIFE. Everything felt hard. Everything felt prickly. Everything made me cry. And then I would find myself in this cycle of crying and anger, crying and anger, crying and anger. It was just a shite day in general and I know we are allowed those, but I needed to write to get to source of where this was all coming from. I needed to find out why in that particular moment, life was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. Nothing had changed from the previous week - other than the impending due date of report cards - so what exactly was it? I try my best to sit with my emotions when they co...

  Do you ever wish you could remove your brain from your head to stop the incessant overthinking? I know I sure do and I am guessing that I am not alone. Sometimes I just want my head to shut the f@ck up! Wouldn't it just be that much easier if we could follow our hearts in all that we do in life? Not only would it be easier, I believe life would be that much more beautiful. Yet here we are fighting off the freaking hamster wheel that our heads so often create. This past weekend I struggled with some anxiety on Saturday and Sunday. Looking back at what was making me anxious, if I had just allowed my heart to lead, my head wouldn't have gone where it did! Alas, hindsight is always 20/20 and we don't have the luxury of re-living those moments. What we do have though is the ability to communicate those moments to those that are close to us and work through the "thoughts" that might be making us feel vulnerable, or scared, or worried or whatever it may be. I had 2 ...