A chance to comfort little me ....
When I got to my appointment, Olivia asked me how I felt after the previous session. I told her about sleeping for 3 hours. I also mentioned that I felt "taller". She said that is amazing - that she always wants me to feel tall and above everything. I also mentioned how powerful it was to be able to sit in my meeting with Clarissa and just allow myself to feel my feelings without any reactions. That had never happened for me before and there was so much clarity and calmness in my feelings.
I mentioned to her that I also saw Clarissa recently at our local event and there wasn't a physical reaction in seeing her - there was just this overwhelming sadness. I got to thinking about how I was grieving the loss of our relationship. This also led me to realize that I never had the space to grieve the loss of my relationship with Neal either. I went from my relationship with him to my relationship with her and her process took up ALL of the space so I literally just had to function even when I barely could.
These were all huge realizations for me because they allowed me truly get to how I was feeling. Olivia then asked me if I had done any of the grounding & protection work she had given me. I told her I had done the grounding activities a few days but not the protection work and hadn't even looked at the meditations work she had given me. I explained how life has just been so incredibly full - new job, moving, coaching business, and my kiddos. She completely understood and asked me to continue to work on the grounding & protection until my next appointment. I mentioned that I wanted to have really realistic expectations of what I can do right now. We also talked a lot about my Jamie and what is going on with her and then we got in to the nitty gritty of the appointment itself.
Olivia asked me what I wanted to work on in the appointment. She said to me, "what is holding you back from being the highest vibrating, brightest, most authentic version of yourself?" My immediate response was FEAR. She asked what I am afraid of. I said pretty much everything - moving and the increased financial demands, being successful in my coaching business, being single - and so much more. I mentioned to her that it was so strange to say those things aloud because I had been doing EVERYTHING on my own for 8+ years so I know that I can do all of those things and more - yet here was this fear.
She asked me where the fear was coming from and who told me that I couldn't do what I wanted to do. I told her it came from them - the guys who abused me when I was little. She asked how old I was - I told her 2.5 and 9. She asked me which episode had the biggest impact on my childhood and I said definitely the 2.5 because I remember everything and I can hear his words so clearly in my head if I want to - his words telling me I would be hated if my parents found out and that if he found I told them, he would kill my family - I hate these words so much. I think I hate the words more than I hate the actions and I believe this is where my carefulness with words started for me.
Olivia told me at this point that my only job during the session was going to be to meet my little me, to hold her and to tell her "I love you" and "everything is going to be okay". She said that she would do the rest if I just took care of that part. I agreed and got ready for everything to start.
At first I was just laying on the bed under the cozy blanket enjoying the soft lighting and the sounds of nature playing on the stereo. I felt very relaxed and even started to question if this reiki session was going to work. Olivia touched my feet and my lower legs, my knees, my hips and I felt completely at ease. Then she placed one hand on my chest and one hand on my belly and it's like everything inside of me instantly panicked. I couldn't breathe. I was crying. I was shaking. I was so incredibly scared. And the tears just kept pouring down the sides of my face.
I felt Olivia move to the top of my head where she placed her hands on my head for quite some time. As she was standing there, I just focused on my breathing. I felt instantly calmer and enjoyed this peaceful feeling as her hands were on my head. Later Olivia told me that she was creating a protective bubble around me and little me so that I would know I was safe. In the moment though, I just felt safe and like I could venture into this experience knowing there was no danger.
At first little me and I just sat on a floor. I don't know where we were, but we just sat there looking at each other. I kept saying "I love you" and "everything is going to be ok". After some time, we got up and started walking. We were now walking along a beach and I was holding her hand. The ocean was to my right and little me would stop to look at shells and throw rocks in to the ocean. Every time she let go of my hand, I just waited for her to return saying "I love you" and "everything is going to be ok".
During my time with little me, we walked on the beach beside the ocean with the sand in our toes, we sat on a couch and watched the rain fall through the window, we roasted marshmallows (I don't even like roasted marshmallows so I thought this was funny), we sat on the steps of a cabin looking over the ocean and watched the rain, and finally we walked in a field of yellow and purple flowers and I watched me do cartwheels through the flowers. With each place we visited, I felt calmer and like little me could feel the love she deserved all along. Eventually I started saying without any prompting, "I love you", "everything is going to be ok", and "you are worthy". Olivia told me after that she heard the "you are worthy" so loud and clear. It was a really beautiful experience.
Near the end of my time with little me, I felt myself start backing away from her. Not quickly. Just slowly stepping back watching her play in the flowers. Her hair was a golden reflection of the sunlight and her playfulness was beautiful to watch. I kept repeating my words over and over but it was like little me knew them and didn't have to look to me to see if there was truth behind the words. They were words that she knew to be true in her core - and so I watched her and smiled. She continued to play as I drifted back to my reality with Olivia having one hand on my chest and one on my belly. I smiled and I knew that I was forever changed because of that experience.
I know that there are many parts of me that I want to continue to be aware of and work on healing - this was a huge first step though and I'm so proud of myself for being open to new experiences and focusing on what I need to move forward in life without the triggers and traumas so vividly present in my life. From my learnings so far, I believe there will always be triggers. The key is learning my process when I am triggered so that I can respond in a mature way rather than let little me panic and run the show. I am tired, I am proud, I am much more at peace than I was, and I am hopeful that my work on myself will open up so many opportunities for me in business, in life, and in relationships. One step at a time, one day at a time, and as Glennon Doyle says, I am constantly focusing on "the next right thing for me".
Thank you again for being witness to this part of my journey - I know it is not a comfortable one to read about and so I am incredibly grateful for your continued love and support.
Sending love and light,
💜 T
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