free to be ..... me

  I had this moment the other day where I literally thought, "how does someone who loves SO big fail at love twice?" That moment sucked. It sucked so very much. I remember this moment years ago where a friend of mine asked, "how do you feel about your ex introducing his girlfriend to the kids?" And to be completely honest, my reaction was "good". By no means did I want my kids subjected to in and out girlfriends who they would get attached to and then "lose". At the same time, I have always felt like the more people who love my kids, the better off they are. I believe in love so very much. It is incredibly powerful and when my kids are constantly surrounded by love in various forms, I imagine this protective bubble around them that cannot be broken no matter what they go through in life. So yes, maybe I have failed at 2 relationships on my quest to love as big as my human heart will allow me. What I realized though is that I have not failed at lo

Tonight I mentioned that I have a million questions for her ... which was likely not a good idea on my part. I do have a million questions ... but maybe they are best left unanswered. I don't know. Every time I feel like I've had a decent few moments, I then do something that very much feels like I rip the scab off over and over again. So maybe my questions are best asked here? Will I find the answers by just asking them? By just putting them out to the universe? I have no idea - I just know that the longer they stay in me, the crazier my head feels.  I have realized through this process that my brain is wired to make sense of things. I literally need for things to make sense and I cannot make sense of any of this. So I end up spinning and spinning and in that spin come all the questions. Do I really want to know the answers to them? Maybe I already do. I am currently listening to the book "Attached" - actually both of us are listening to it. It's all about our re

  The title of this is extremely loaded .... I could probably list about 1000 things I hate about co-parenting from missing out on time with my kids, to living far from their school and not being able to have their friends over frequently, to split Christmas' and holidays and on and on and on and on. But one of the hardest things for me to see is the bags .... the constant living out of bags. I hate that my kids are never really "home" and that what little they do have for clothing and supplies has to go from place to place on a regular basis. I hate that no matter how hard I have tried to make my home, their home they are perpetually living out of bags. This is probably more of a big deal to me than it is to them .... maybe this constant change in their lives will allow them to be more adaptable in the future? Maybe they will always remember supplies? Maybe they will be less attached to things and more attached to moments? Maybe they will .... be ok? I know in my heart t