I thought I was ok ....

 .... but it turns out I have a lot of healing to do. I just came back from one of the BEST trips of my life. It was also one of the most emotional trips of my life - so much laughter and so so so many tears.

At one point, I remember crying so hard that I didn't feel like it would ever stop. In the past I likely would have stopped myself from letting the feelings flow - but the shoulder I was snotting on (I know, great image, right 😂) belongs to someone special and so I knew I was safe, and I just let them flow.

This was the beginning of finally recognizing that I am not ok. Of course I am "ok" - I can get through my days, I eat, I practice self-care, I can care for my kiddos, I can make mostly rational decisions 😉. I'm ok. Yet on so many levels, I am also not ok.

I started realizing a few weeks ago that I was having some significant anxiety around Clarissa coming back to Canada and coming to my place to get her stuff. I was uncomfortable. I knew my oldest was uncomfortable. And yet, I was trying to force myself in to this place of "being ok" even though I knew I wasn't.

And then while I was away, the emotions just took over. At the time, I didn't see the triggers that were causing me to deflect or behave in ways that do not feel true to who I am. Looking back though, these triggers are staring me right in the face.

I started my coaching business with Clarissa in January of 2015. We had big plans. We had huge dreams. Well - she had huge dreams - I just did the plans. At the time, I was job sharing in a grade 3 classroom and we were also running a Zumba kids business. Well - I was running the business - she was coming to dance with me. The vision that was created was one where we would both be able to retire from 9 to 5 type jobs to focus on our coaching business and Zumba Kids programs in school. 

Sounds lovely, right?

Of course it does - the problem is that only one of us has been able to live this life while the other one, has been doing all of the life and adulting things. There are parts of me that are incredibly angry - I know I allowed myself to be taken advantage of - but why would the Universe send me someone who would take advantage of my heart? I know I needed to learn more about who I am and what I value - but was this the only way to learn those things?

Someone asked me the other day if I am in a state of "why me?" and I can answer 100% truthful when I say I am not a why me person. For me it's more of "ok universe - so what do you want me to take from these 8 years and implement in to my life" that I wrestle with because the initial thoughts on that are "be colder", "have less belief in humans", "don't be so trusting and naive" - which I know are not the things I need to implement at all, yet I find that I am often talking myself out of those feelings and thoughts.

It's so interesting because even as I am writing this and feeling anger, resentment, sadness, frustration, confusion - I am also feeling joy and gratitude. Over the past 8 years, the MOST amazing humans have come in to my life and the amazing humans who were part of my life before my time with Clarissa are still here with me today. Maybe that is part of why I had to go through so much struggle - to build my village along with taking time to figure out who I am and what I value?!

There are also parts of me that are really sad. I put in 8+ years of hard work to now have to try and separate everything. It's exhausting - physically and emotionally. I know I'll get through it - I always do - I just get so tired some days and the journey is sometimes so lonely.

One of the biggest triggers that came up for me is a feeling of rejection. I started feeling that way on the trip and instead of sitting with the feeling, which I am normally really good at, I deflected big time. It's like this part of me just broke inside and I eagerly sought out external validation as well as removed myself from any possibility of rejection again. I am not proud of my behaviour when it comes to this however; I am also aware that I am human.

I was away for the first time in over 2 years on a trip that had been cancelled twice previously. These trips are trips I earn through coaching by helping others with their wellness goals. On the trips we are wined and dined. We are spoiled. We are celebrated. We are connected. And we come home refreshed and rejuvenated ready to continue with our mission of helping others. Not having these trips for 2 years PLUS now navigating the business in a new way that I am still trying to figure out was a ton for me to process. I didn't start out on this coaching journey to have to learn how to separate myself from Clarissa - I started out with the idea of this being our forever thing.

On the way home, I was listening to a podcast and Gabrielle Bernstein was being interviewed. I really like her books. She said 2 things that deeply resonated with me:

1. "The journey - while it may feel treacherous or long or terrifying - have fun along the way. Add up the miracle moments."
2. "Compassion is the antidote to unworthiness."

The first quote just hit me because of where I am at in life and what I am trying to do with my business while also working full time (in a new Vice Principal role), being there for my kiddos, teaching Zumba, moving, and more. I will focus on adding up the miracle moments because there are so many of them. The second quote hit me because I started looking at my feeling of rejection and why I deflected instead of sitting with how I was feeling.

Over the 8 years with Clarissa, I lived constant rejection. Rejection of me and rejection of my kids. I came to this place of realizing that I am not hard to love and that I would never choose to be somewhere my partner was not. Don't get me wrong - I am perfectly at peace with whomever I am dating and myself having our separate lives. It's necessary. We need time with our own friends, time solo, time to do things that fill us up WITHOUT each other. What she chose though was to live elsewhere - I remember saying to her, "it's like you want to be my partner when I don't have the kids and date me when I do." I was in the constant push / pull state where I always felt rejected for myself and for my kiddos.

I also started looking at my years with Neal and the feeling of rejection I felt with him. It's so interesting because I know that I wasn't rejected with him. I definitely was with Clarissa, but not with Neal. With Neal my rejection showed up because of my feelings of unworthiness. I did not have the ability to communicate my needs clearly with him and so my needs being unmet led me to feel rejected. Looking back I see that it was on me to communicate what I needed; at the same time, I also see that he wasn't the right person (with the right equipment 😉) for me to learn this with.

So now I begin the process of removing these feelings of rejection for me. This awareness of rejection was a huge aha moment for me and I do not want to bring that trigger with me in to any new relationship. 

To begin this process, I have set the wheels in motion for several things. I start counselling this week to help me sort out what I want to do moving forward in the business and how I do this in a way that feels right to my soul. I have committed all of me to living a life with integrity - one where I look back each day and am proud of the person I am and the person I am becoming. I am also looking in to alternative treatments like EMDR, NLP and even reiki to help me remove these triggers in my life and really truly heal. I also have promised myself to go on dates, solo. I went to the beach last night to have my dinner. It wasn't easy to sit in the feelings that arose by any means - I think it's one of the reasons I've always liked to be busy, then I don't have to sit in the feelings as much as I tend to do - but I know given time, the feelings will shift and I will be able to sit solo for longer in that silence.

If I look at miracle moments from yesterday, there are many. I have the best people in my life. I live in a beautiful place. My dog is such a cutie pie. And even though the emotions are hard, I know I'll get through this. Thank you for being part of my journey and giving me the space to tackle this next phase of my journey. Sending love and light your way and remember my friend, I am here for you to lean on as well.

💜 T