I am not happy for her ....
Ever since I had Jamie, I knew I was a chronic over-thinker. I remember these conversations with my social worker at the time where I literally couldn't get my brain to slow down no matter what I tried. That's part of the reason I started running - I wanted my legs and body to keep up with my brain. I also at times would find myself pulling my eyebrow hairs out on my way to therapy so I could feel something other than what was going on in my head. I definitely have an idea of why people would cut - I currently would rather feel anything except how I am feeling.
I think part of the mess for me right now is that I know anger is just the surface emotion - I'm honestly scared of what's underneath and at times, I'm scared of how angry I am. It is an awful feeling and I don't know what to do with it. I'm trying to do the things that I know help me - and sometimes they do - at the same time, I am so incredibly swamped with moving and work and running my biz that even the things that help me aren't feeling like they are enough right now.
I was doing "ok" for the most part. I knew Clarissa was travelling in Europe and I did my best with her on the hangout we have with our team when she was in France. This past weekend was too much for me though. This leads me to the other part of this mess for me - seeing her live on our hangout from a cruise ship in Italy and then her sharing the picture of "never dreamed this could be her life" in one of our coaching chats and how grateful she is sent me on this .... rabbit hole of hell.
It hit me yesterday and I think with the realization came a ton of shame - I am NOT happy for her. Why would I be? Of course I understand her posting that picture in her social media but to share it in a group where I am a member of with a bunch of people who know that the only reason she has this life of freedom is ME was just .... unkind to say the least.
And so begins the overthinking.
I get so incredibly angry. Why does SHE get this life? Why does she deserve it? Why does the universe send me someone who fully takes advantage of me and I get to work my ass off every fucking day while she gets to live in lala land? Why? How is this fair? What are my lessons? Why did I deserve this? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me?
I feel angry at her. I feel angry at the universe. And I feel incredibly angry with me.
This anger then leads to tears that don't stop. Everything hurts. I feel this insane tension in my neck, in my traps, along the middle of my back - and I don't know what to do with it. I am so sad. I just don't get it. I don't get why I had to learn this way to have better boundaries. In order to learn this lesson I had to basically run someone's business for them, give them a space to live for free, and then watch them live a life without alarm clocks and schedules? What the actual fuck? This feels so incredibly wrong.
Yesterday I had another "reminder" of her freedom when I found out the dates of our conference in 2023. In order to go on our trip to Mexico, I have to take 3 days off work without pay because next year, the dates are not over spring break. Yesterday I found out our conference is in June and not in July like it usually is. This means that I will either have to miss it or I'll have to fly overnight on a Wednesday, take the Thursday and Friday without pay, and fly home Sunday to be back at work for Monday. My immediate reaction of course was a sarcastic one of, "well at least Clarissa is free to go".
And then I feel like a horrible person for having those thoughts and those feelings. Yes, I know I'm allowed to be frustrated at the dates and my situation vs. hers - I HATE that my reaction was that. It makes me feel so yucky that I even thought it. I try so hard to live a life of integrity and to go to bed each night feeling proud of myself - these thoughts and feelings definitely don't help me feel proud.
I then end up on the defence from the itty bitty bitchy committee in my head - aka "Martha" - because there must be something wrong with me and my reactions feel so freaking terrible. Of course I don't externalize the reactions or take them out on others - at the same time, I know they are affecting me in noticeable ways. I feel completely overwhelmed because not only am I wading through a ton of anger and sadness, I am literally rejecting every nice word and compliment that comes my way because of the committee in my head. My body physically reacts to any and all compliments and it's like the words won't "stick". I end up thinking about Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman saying "it's easier to believe the bad stuff". All the bad things they told me start floating through my head and I realize, it is easier to believe the bad stuff.
So to stay I feel stuck in my head right now is an understatement.
I know this will pass and I will keep trying to do the things that help me because even if they don't feel big enough right now, they always make me smile and these days a smile goes a long way. I have Reiki on Saturday, counselling in 2 weeks, there are 25 days until I move, 24 days until my VP role ends, and 32 working days until summer. There is a light at the end of tunnel - it's just very faint and sometimes hard to see - but I know it's there and I'll keep plugging away at it.
My huge hope right now is that one day I will truly be happy for her - today is not that day though and I guess that's ok too. I am allowed to be where I am in my journey and I am grateful for the space to write and share some of how I feel. I guess in some way it helps me feel less alone. Maybe there's someone out there who can relate to how I am feeling? Maybe someone else needs my words to know that they are not alone? I don't know - all I know is that I will try my best to have a fresh start each and every day because my kids deserve it, my friends and family deserve it, you deserve it and guess what - I DESERVE IT!
Thank you for holding the space for me to heal. I am grateful for you.
Love always,
💜 T
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