Some days I just can't life .....
Everything felt hard.
Everything felt prickly.
Everything made me cry. And then I would find myself in this cycle of crying and anger, crying and anger, crying and anger. It was just a shite day in general and I know we are allowed those, but I needed to write to get to source of where this was all coming from. I needed to find out why in that particular moment, life was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. Nothing had changed from the previous week - other than the impending due date of report cards - so what exactly was it?
I try my best to sit with my emotions when they come up for me. To allow them to just be is not an easy thing to do but it's the only way I can really check in with myself to find out what is really going on. This was incredibly hard to do on Thursday because it felt like all of my emotions were on the outside of my body. I was in a classroom of 28 students and it felt like just the air of them walking by was scratching at my feelings - I was feeling everything so incredibly big that I cried through most of the day.
I don't care about crying in front of my class. They are 12 and 13 years old and they need to see that the people in their lives are human with real feelings, real struggles, real happy moments, real sad moments and all of the things in order to see how we navigate the emotions and experiences life brings to us. I will always allow the people around me to see the highs and the lows because it's real. I can see the difference this showing of emotions has had on my 3 kiddos, so I know it will have an impact on my students as well. That being said, it was still an incredibly hard day and hard thing to do. I was clear from the very beginning of the day that I was struggling with my emotions that day, that it was not their fault, and that I would do my best to not take out how I was feeling on them. At the same time, I needed them to be a little more patient with me, to understand why I was quieter, and to help out a little more around the room. And guess what? They did. I had several students throughout the day checkin with me, offer to help, and one boy in particular checked out the Shape of the Day and got everything ready for each new lesson. So even though my day was incredibly hard, there were so many beautiful moments that I held on to and will continue to hold on to.
Throughout the day I was also checking in with 4 special people in my life. My kiddos knew how I was doing because they deserve to know. I was also sharing with a friend so she'd know where I was at and she asking me some really tough questions to help me figure out what the source of all this mess was. I love people who hold the space for me and I love people who will dive in to the mess with me so that I can figure out where the fuck it's coming from! I hope I do the same for the special people in my life because I know how much I needed it and to me, life is all about that "give and take" from the people we love. We give what we can for them when they need it and we lean and take when we need it!
Through all the questions and the tears, I realized that I am angry - angry with Clarissa and angry with myself - which then makes me angry at the universe because I just don't understand. I don't understand why someone would be sent to my life for me to feel completely taken advantage of. It doesn't make sense to me and I really don't understand my lessons here. Am I supposed to be less kind? Am I supposed to be less loyal? Am I supposed to be less giving? Am I supposed to be less forgiving? Am I supposed to be less trusting? Am I supposed to love smaller? Am I supposed to be more skeptical? Am I supposed to be more selfish? Am I supposed to have less hope? Am I supposed to have less faith? Am I supposed to doubt others? Am I supposed to have tougher boundaries? Am I supposed to build walls to protect my heart? All of those things feel so wrong and so misaligned from who I am and how I am wired - so I just don't get it.
I am definitely at a place in my life where I realize that in the moments, I may not understand the lessons that the Universe is giving me. It's still hard though - it's hard to trust that things are aligning the way they are for a reason and that everything we go through is an opportunity to learn and grow. I think Thursday was my day of just feeling overwhelmed by all of the "non-understanding" and then throughout this weekend, I have rested and gotten back to a place of "maybe I am not meant to understand at this exact moment in time". I often tell myself to just be open - be open to what is coming my way and that over time, I will see what I am supposed to see.
Don't get me wrong - it's not easy to do this. It's way easier to close myself off, withdraw from the people I care about, mindlessly scroll social media, bury myself under a blanket and check out. Numbing myself is way easier - but for me it never lasts. I think I just feel too much and too big for this to ever last. So I have gotten way better at the "I'm struggling today" messages or phone calls. I have gotten way better at the sharing with my kiddos and my class. I can't always explain what is going on but staying in the moments has helped me get through them feeling stronger and definitely more connected to the bigger things at play in my life.
I realized on Thursday after all the tough questions part of why I was feeling so overwhelmed and angry. I know that given time, I will find my lessons through this anger - at this moment though, I am allowed to feel this and am giving myself permission to feel it. Maybe this anger is necessary right now so that I set some healthy boundaries for myself moving forward .... and again, thanks to good people in my life, I have already started that process!
The reason I was so incredibly triggered with this anger is because I came home from a lovely weekend away where I truly just enjoyed my time. I did very little work. I was barely on my phone. And it felt good. It felt so freaking good to just be in my moment and not thinking about report cards, or coaching, or Zumba, or any of my "to-do" items. Then I came home ......
I came home to this reality of wayyyyyyy too much on my plate and because I had taken this weekend away, none of the usual weekend tasks were done. So not only did I have to do my regular daily tasks, my weekend tasks had to be caught up on PLUS I had report cards looming and month end in my business. Here I am feeling all of this overwhelm and Clarissa gets to live this life of freedom. I am angry because it is not fair and I feel completely taken advantage of.
Then I get mad at myself because I allowed it. I allowed for her freedoms before mine. I put her needs above mine. I did it. Yes, she fully took advantage of it - but ultimately I allowed it and THAT sucks. Why would I be sent another human to end up feeling this way? I start on this hamster wheel of "am I supposed to" questions which then have me feeling so incredibly off because I don't think I'm supposed to do any of those things and then I feel incredibly sad because why would someone take advantage of me like this?
How does someone have the capacity to claim love for someone else and then "use them" and their giving ways to ensure their own needs are met first? I can't fathom this. Why are people wired like this? How do they not feel like things are misaligned within themselves? How can they look in the mirror? I cannot wrap my head around this and this is such a huge part of my struggle. I know I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror ... I would live with this enormous weight of guilt on me which would have me constantly avoiding my own eyes. Yet I've seen the way she looks at herself in the mirror - and so I just can't reconcile this within me.
Maybe I just have to accept that not everyone loves like me? Maybe I just have to accept that not everyone thinks of others the way I do? Maybe I just have to accept that some people are just that self-focused or self-driven? I don't know. And honestly these "maybe" questions just suck. Perhaps I am supposed to be more cautious with people - but then I feel like I lose faith in humanity and that makes me feel incredibly overwhelmed with sadness - so again, I don't have the answers here.
What I do know is that this anger forced me to make a real request. Over the years of coaching, I have done the majority of the work and I know by what others have shared with me that this has definitely been obvious (I guess that's something positive I can hold on to). I don't know why I work so hard - I'm just wired like that. I love what I do, I love helping others, I love challenges that then change me for the better, I love feeling fulfilled and like I am living with purpose - so I work and I work hard. It always bothered me at my core that Clarissa was willing to let me do the majority of the work and then her reap the majority of the benefits. I had hope that she'd step up. I had hope that given time she'd see the work that it takes to make our business run. I had hope that she'd want to help me like I helped her for so many years.
This hope definitely had me staying for longer than I should have. This hope definitely had me do more than I should have. And this hope definitely had me accept way less than what I deserve. I see that now. I don't know if she'll ever see MY big picture here - maybe she doesn't have the capacity for that as maybe she can only see her own - but it's ultimately not my job to try and teach or show her that. What is my job is taking care of ME and so that is where I started.
We will always have a connection with our coaching business and so for the first time, I gave her a concrete expectation of what I need in order for me to move forward and release some of this anger. That felt freaking amazing to do. I am proud of myself and incredibly grateful for the hard questions that were asked of me. For now instead of fighting the anger, I will try to use it to help me establish these boundaries that ensure I take care of me and my heart. I may not understand the lessons right now but at least I'll use the fuel to add to my fire.
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