free to be ..... me

 .... but it turns out I have a lot of healing to do. I just came back from one of the BEST trips of my life. It was also one of the most emotional trips of my life - so much laughter and so so so many tears. At one point, I remember crying so hard that I didn't feel like it would ever stop. In the past I likely would have stopped myself from letting the feelings flow - but the shoulder I was snotting on (I know, great image, right 😂) belongs to someone special and so I knew I was safe, and I just let them flow. This was the beginning of finally recognizing that I am not ok. Of course I am "ok" - I can get through my days, I eat, I practice self-care, I can care for my kiddos, I can make mostly rational decisions 😉. I'm ok. Yet on so many levels, I am also not ok. I started realizing a few weeks ago that I was having some significant anxiety around Clarissa coming back to Canada and coming to my place to get her stuff. I was uncomfortable. I knew my oldest was uncom...

  Some days I just can't life ..... and the other day was definitely one of them. I started feeling this earlier in the week but did a pretty decent job of warding it off. Plus I had the kids coming AND I got to Zumba with my fave instructor ever so my energy was a little more balanced. Then Thursday hit and I literally wanted to lay in bed and pull a blanket over my head and NOT LIFE. Everything felt hard. Everything felt prickly. Everything made me cry. And then I would find myself in this cycle of crying and anger, crying and anger, crying and anger. It was just a shite day in general and I know we are allowed those, but I needed to write to get to source of where this was all coming from. I needed to find out why in that particular moment, life was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. Nothing had changed from the previous week - other than the impending due date of report cards - so what exactly was it? I try my best to sit with my emotions when they co...

  Do you ever wish you could remove your brain from your head to stop the incessant overthinking? I know I sure do and I am guessing that I am not alone. Sometimes I just want my head to shut the f@ck up! Wouldn't it just be that much easier if we could follow our hearts in all that we do in life? Not only would it be easier, I believe life would be that much more beautiful. Yet here we are fighting off the freaking hamster wheel that our heads so often create. This past weekend I struggled with some anxiety on Saturday and Sunday. Looking back at what was making me anxious, if I had just allowed my heart to lead, my head wouldn't have gone where it did! Alas, hindsight is always 20/20 and we don't have the luxury of re-living those moments. What we do have though is the ability to communicate those moments to those that are close to us and work through the "thoughts" that might be making us feel vulnerable, or scared, or worried or whatever it may be. I had 2 ...

  Well .... do you? 😉 I ask that in jest but I also ask it because it makes me think of the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts is trying to decide what kind of eggs she likes. If you are not familiar with the movie, her character has a habit of falling in love quickly and in the process, she almost absorbs or disappears in to her partner and takes on all of his likes and dislikes. At one point in the movie, she decides enough is enough and she makes a huge variety of eggs because she says, "I don't even know what kind of eggs I like." After trying all of the dishes she prepared, she declares that she doesn't even like eggs. So my question for you is, do you like eggs? This is something I have had to revisit often over the past few years - not eggs in the literal sense but what do I like? What do I value? Who am I at my core? What makes my heart happy and what just doesn't sit well with me? I was recently asked the question - "why were you not just honest...

Have you ever received a message or a phone call that just felt heavy? I mean not in the sense that anything tragic happened - it just felt heavy. That's what happened for me the other day and it felt like the 50lbs of "weight" I'd been carrying and finally shed was starting to pile back on. This past week was the best teaching week I have had since September. I laughed so much and I know there was some meaningful learning happening in the room. My heart was happy again after what felt like an eternity of sadness. So to feel this heaviness again was kind of shaking me up. I was having a hard time "protecting" my energy. I don't know if protecting is the right word - it's just what comes to mind. I picture this energy shield that I build around myself so that I can keep my boundaries and what works for me. I started asking myself what would help. How could I get back to my happy and keep out what wasn't supposed to be in? A beautiful picture came ...

I know I have not written in almost a month and that likely wasn't the best decision for my mental health, BUT life happens and I refuse to beat myself up over things I "should" or "could" do. I don't actually believe in resolutions as we choose too many things to work on at one time and then set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. I do however, believe in setting goals and this year, my goal is to not push myself so hard. That may seem opposite from what so many others chose as a goal or resolution - and that's a-ok because it's exactly what I NEED. For so many years of my life I have pushed and pushed and pushed - for growth, for change, to make others happy - and I just can't do it anymore. I often referenced that children's book "the little engine that could" or Dory and her "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I felt like I couldn't stop because well - I didn't have time to st...

  I had this moment the other day where I literally thought, "how does someone who loves SO big fail at love twice?" That moment sucked. It sucked so very much. I remember this moment years ago where a friend of mine asked, "how do you feel about your ex introducing his girlfriend to the kids?" And to be completely honest, my reaction was "good". By no means did I want my kids subjected to in and out girlfriends who they would get attached to and then "lose". At the same time, I have always felt like the more people who love my kids, the better off they are. I believe in love so very much. It is incredibly powerful and when my kids are constantly surrounded by love in various forms, I imagine this protective bubble around them that cannot be broken no matter what they go through in life. So yes, maybe I have failed at 2 relationships on my quest to love as big as my human heart will allow me. What I realized though is that I have not failed at lo...