Do you like eggs?

 

Well .... do you? 😉 I ask that in jest but I also ask it because it makes me think of the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts is trying to decide what kind of eggs she likes. If you are not familiar with the movie, her character has a habit of falling in love quickly and in the process, she almost absorbs or disappears in to her partner and takes on all of his likes and dislikes. At one point in the movie, she decides enough is enough and she makes a huge variety of eggs because she says, "I don't even know what kind of eggs I like." After trying all of the dishes she prepared, she declares that she doesn't even like eggs. So my question for you is, do you like eggs?

This is something I have had to revisit often over the past few years - not eggs in the literal sense but what do I like? What do I value? Who am I at my core? What makes my heart happy and what just doesn't sit well with me? I was recently asked the question - "why were you not just honest from the get go in your previous relationships?" and it got me thinking. My quick answer to the question was, "I don't think I knew myself well." And to be honest, this is VERY true. But there is so much more to this answer that I definitely lost some sleep contemplating the why.

When I think about the early stages of my long term relationships, I definitely don't think I was dishonest by any means. I also don't feel like I was Julia Roberts character and "absorbed or disappeared" in to my partners. For the most part I am very easy-going person. There isn't much that I don't like and I really enjoy new experiences as well as simple things like coffee with someone I care about, walks, movies, reading, music and more. I am happy to do the planning and I am also happy to go along with the planning because I try to find the beauty and joy in all of my experiences. Life is too short to not hold on to the magical moments. 

My most recent partner had very strong opinions about what she liked to do and what she wanted to do with her time. Because I am not someone who has these strong opinions for the most part I was happy to just go with the flow. Over time though, things started feeling really wrong to me. I was told that her love language was quality time - which I am a huge fan of - yet it felt like quantity time was what she needed instead and I could never keep up. I also struggled with the lack of connection with my kiddos and had this feeling of being constantly torn in 2 with no real room for ME in there. Half of my time was for her and half of my time with kids and there really was no space or time for me to exist in there.

Even though I have these feelings and memories of feeling uncomfortable inside so often, I am incredibly grateful for the journey because over the past 8 years of discomfort, I have learned the kind of eggs I like (which to be honest, I don't love them all of the time but some poached or over easy eggs here and there can be quite delicious). Without being challenged to really look inside, I wouldn't know who I am. I know that so much of this "unknown" for me is a result of the sexual abuse I experienced as a child. I was told my parents would hate me. I was told that he would kill my family if I told them. And so for most of my life, I lived feeling like I had to prove that I was worthy of the love I was receiving.

I know I carried this pattern in to my relationships with me and because I am quite a "go with the flow" person, I allowed for my voice not to be heard. In fact, I would go as far as saying that I had silenced myself in order to keep the peace. In my most recent relationship much of that was because of fear of reactions, but there was also this deep lack of trust in my worthiness for love. I didn't know that I could be seen and accepted as me. I often felt like I was "hard to love" - which looking back makes me very sad.

The reason I get sad is simple - I am not hard to love. I know this with every ounce of my being. I know I am not hard to love because I have amazing people in my life who love and accept me AS ME. I do not have to pretend. I do not have to silence my voice. I get to be with these people and they get to see who I am without the "worthiness cloak" I wore for so long.

The only part of my life I hadn't experienced being seen and accepted was in a romantic relationship. But if I could be seen and accepted and loved as me with my friends and family, why could I not have this in romance as well? This hit me to my core the other night and it was one of the most powerful feelings I have ever experienced. I have promised myself that this is an absolute must in any romantic relationship moving forward - I will be seen and accepted for me because I am worthy of acceptance and of love.