free to be ..... me

  And what I'm really asking you is if you believe the shitty words you've been told in your life? I was reading through my blog posts since I started this journey in December and was blown away by a few things: My first realization was that I have come a long way! This made me so happy to read. There was so much hurt, so much anger, so much confusion - and even though I still don't "understand" all the lessons, there is no more hurt, anger and confusion. In fact, at my last Reiki session I had this powerful feeling of gratitude wash over me. I was able to thank Clarissa for letting me go and to truly wish her well. I even had this compelling feeling to email her (which I didn't) but the peace that came with this feeling is something I cannot express in words. I was finally free to move on and live my life the way I want to live it and it felt so liberating. My second realization is that I have been told and led to believe some VERY shitty things over my 47 ye...

 ... can be really, really nasty sometimes. A good friend of mine told me a while ago that she calls it "the itty bitty bitchy committee" and I've used that wording ever since. Once in a while I need to call them gremlins though, because we all know the movie and how when we shine a light on our gremlins, they turn in to these fluffy little balls of cuteness that really aren't so scary. 😉 Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that the nasty voices in my head are cute little fluff balls. That would be absolutely ridiculous. What I am saying though is that when we shine the light on them, they aren't as scary as we think they are! As some of you know, I recently got myself a new car - well new to me! This was a HUGE step for me as I have not had a car payment since 2004, I JUST moved, and well, let's just be completely honest here, I am a single Mama. Moving further away from work was a necessary step for my family as we are now closer to my ex, close...

  .... is exhausting and yet at the same time, so incredibly worth it. It's been such an interesting few months for me. I know I've come a long way on this journey of healing and at the same time,  I know I still have a long way to go. I was driving the other day thinking about my most recent counselling session and I remembered why I stopped going to counselling in the past. When I was going before, it always felt like I was just re-hashing old trauma. I didn't leave my sessions with something to focus on until our next time and I ALWAYS felt so crappy after my sessions. I have learned over the years that our bodies don't actually know we aren't re-living the experience and the exact same chemicals that were released during our traumas are re-released when we re-live them. Think about this. Let's say you were driving down the highway and this car came racing up behind you. Traffic was heavy and you could see this car weaving in and out. Your hands tense on the ...

  is so much better than being alone and with someone. This I know all too well. There have been so many times in my past 2 relationships where I have felt lonely and it is one of the worst feelings I have experienced.  Looking back I am fully accepting of the fact that in my first relationship, I didn't know how to ask for what I needed. Perhaps that is because I was with someone of the "wrong" gender 😉 but it's also because I truly didn't fully know what I needed or how to ask for the things I knew I needed. In my second relationship I clearly remember voicing that I was feeling lonely, why I was feeling that way and what I needed to not feel that way. Over time though, I gave up using my voice. I think on some level I started believing that I was needy and asking for too much, so I became quiet - and I felt so incredibly lonely. I filled my days with as much work as I could and tried my best to pour my energy in to my kids; yet I could feel myself withdrawing ...

  ... trust myself again. And I am finding this feeling completely terrifying and paralyzing all at the same time. How? How do I do this? How do I trust that I will listen to my gut? That I will pay attention? That I will not just let someone new in to the innermost parts of my being? I don't know how to do this and I'm finding this feeling incredibly overwhelming.  On Wednesday, I had one of the toughest counselling sessions I've ever had. I really like my counsellor as she doesn't make me re-live trauma and I feel like we have a great connection. I don't find myself censoring what I say - the words just flow - and it's a fantastic feeling. It's also kind of unnerving to have only had my 3rd counselling session and she is saying things about me that my friends have said for years!! Like seriously .... how does she know I'm a giant mush-ball inside? How does she know I want the fairy tale? How does she know that I feel everything SO FUCKING BIG? I asked ...

  and I feel incredibly sad. I realized the other day that I am no longer angry and it was such a huge relief to look at a photo and not feel any anger. I do not do anger well. I know it served a purpose and likely got me through the past 6 months - it just feels so foreign in my body and I don't know what to do with it other than write (and cry). It's interesting to me - I started this blog to help me process how I feel. I needed a space to allow my fingers to express what was going on in my head and my heart. I never started this blog to bash someone else or to spread lies or hate. Yes my ex has come up in some of my writings here - for me though, it was always about working through my feelings, my emotions, my confusion, my frustration. So it's incredibly hard for me to now be on the receiving end of public posts that are clearly untrue. Last Wednesday evening, I received a message with a picture of a recently posted reel. The picture said, "I was dumped over text m...

  .... do I have to be? And you know what really sucks? Writing that sentence down. It's one thing for me to have these feelings - it's another thing to actually write it - it becomes more real for me. And so the vicious cycle of overthinking starts ... .... and being stuck in my head is one of the most frustrating feelings ever. It's moments like these that I wish it was possible to turn my brain off. Seriously brain, why are you on these non-stop loops? Why is it so hard to just slow down and be in a moment? Why does this maze of words and thoughts feel like it truly never ends? Ever since I had Jamie, I knew I was a chronic over-thinker. I remember these conversations with my social worker at the time where I literally couldn't get my brain to slow down no matter what I tried. That's part of the reason I started running - I wanted my legs and body to keep up with my brain. I also at times would find myself pulling my eyebrow hairs out on my way to therapy so I co...

  My second Reiki session was a completely different experience from my first one. I still don't feel ready to write about my first session - let's just say when I got home, I was a zombie. I slept for 3 hours I was so completely exhausted. After my second appointment, I felt alive, at peace, and so much lighter. When I got to my appointment, Olivia asked me how I felt after the previous session. I told her about sleeping for 3 hours. I also mentioned that I felt "taller". She said that is amazing - that she always wants me to feel tall and above everything. I also mentioned how powerful it was to be able to sit in my meeting with Clarissa and just allow myself to feel my feelings without any reactions. That had never happened for me before and there was so much clarity and calmness in my feelings. I mentioned to her that I also saw Clarissa recently at our local event and there wasn't a physical reaction in seeing her - there was just this overwhelming sadness. I...

  I have found myself in states of anger quite frequently lately and I'm always blown away by how powerful the anger feels and then my body's reaction to these feelings. I personally don't think I handle anger well because I usually just end up crying - or maybe that is a good way of handling the anger? I remember over my years with Clarissa telling her frequently that anger is just the surface emotion - it's just the immediate reaction to something else. Perhaps that something else is pain or sadness or hurt and then these raw feelings come out as anger because often times it's easier to feel angry than it is to sit in the real, raw feelings that anger is covering up. Somedays I am finding myself angry at the universe for bringing me "here". Other days I am finding myself angry at Clarissa for so many reasons. When I am finding myself angry at the universe, I can usually get through it really quickly because I know I'm not really angry. Likely I'm...

 .... but it turns out I have a lot of healing to do. I just came back from one of the BEST trips of my life. It was also one of the most emotional trips of my life - so much laughter and so so so many tears. At one point, I remember crying so hard that I didn't feel like it would ever stop. In the past I likely would have stopped myself from letting the feelings flow - but the shoulder I was snotting on (I know, great image, right 😂) belongs to someone special and so I knew I was safe, and I just let them flow. This was the beginning of finally recognizing that I am not ok. Of course I am "ok" - I can get through my days, I eat, I practice self-care, I can care for my kiddos, I can make mostly rational decisions 😉. I'm ok. Yet on so many levels, I am also not ok. I started realizing a few weeks ago that I was having some significant anxiety around Clarissa coming back to Canada and coming to my place to get her stuff. I was uncomfortable. I knew my oldest was uncom...

  Some days I just can't life ..... and the other day was definitely one of them. I started feeling this earlier in the week but did a pretty decent job of warding it off. Plus I had the kids coming AND I got to Zumba with my fave instructor ever so my energy was a little more balanced. Then Thursday hit and I literally wanted to lay in bed and pull a blanket over my head and NOT LIFE. Everything felt hard. Everything felt prickly. Everything made me cry. And then I would find myself in this cycle of crying and anger, crying and anger, crying and anger. It was just a shite day in general and I know we are allowed those, but I needed to write to get to source of where this was all coming from. I needed to find out why in that particular moment, life was so overwhelming I didn't feel like I could do it anymore. Nothing had changed from the previous week - other than the impending due date of report cards - so what exactly was it? I try my best to sit with my emotions when they co...