Learning to trust again

I know I have not written in almost a month and that likely wasn't the best decision for my mental health, BUT life happens and I refuse to beat myself up over things I "should" or "could" do. I don't actually believe in resolutions as we choose too many things to work on at one time and then set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. I do however, believe in setting goals and this year, my goal is to not push myself so hard.

That may seem opposite from what so many others chose as a goal or resolution - and that's a-ok because it's exactly what I NEED. For so many years of my life I have pushed and pushed and pushed - for growth, for change, to make others happy - and I just can't do it anymore. I often referenced that children's book "the little engine that could" or Dory and her "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I felt like I couldn't stop because well - I didn't have time to stop.

When I got to winter break, I looked back at the 2 months that had passed and literally didn't know how I made it through them. It was one foot in front of the other. My alarm would go off at 4:45am and I would robotically force myself out of bed to go through the motions. I cried several times per day. I had a hard time smiling. I felt completely broken. And to be honest, I just felt so lost. I still don't understand what my lesson from the universe is - but maybe I'm getting there and maybe there really isn't one "lesson" per se.

I remember looking at my class one day and I just felt so sad. Here was this room full of amazing young people and they were not getting the best version of me. That broke my heart all over again. Those 28 beautiful humans NEED to come to school each and every day and feel loved - and I wanted to love them; I so badly wanted to love them. I just didn't have anything to give when brushing my teeth at the end of the day often felt like hard work and would bring me to tears.

Looking back at my question of what is my lesson, maybe my lesson is not singular and rather many sided exactly as the quote above says. Maybe one lesson is what I learn about myself and about who I am and how I want to be loved. Maybe one lesson is in setting boundaries in my life that will only allow the people in who love and accept me FOR ME. Maybe one lesson is in the joy of what I will learn and the power I gain by standing in my own authenticity. Maybe one lesson is to know how truly strong I am to have the courage to make my heart whole again and again and again.

When you stop to think about that for even just a moment it is impossible not to smile. I MADE IT through. Me. And even in that "making it through" I was able to visit with friends, build a new friendship, spend time with my babies, rest, heal, laugh, eat, watch the snow fall, snuggle with Maggie and be fully present in my own life. Just writing that brings me so much joy because I would have never expected that, even being in pain and anguish, there would be so much beauty and so much to be thankful for.

I do know that so many beautiful things have come because of my relationship. I have an amazing relationship with my kids. I truly know who I am and what I value. And for the first time in my life, the itty bitty bitchy committee has been SILENT during this healing process.

These are HUGE things for me that maybe I needed to learn.

In the beginning I felt like my lesson from the universe was to love smaller and to protect myself more. I couldn't wrap my head around why the universe would want to give me a lesson like that. Why would someone who loves with all her being be told to "simmer that love down"? It didn't make sense to me. And so I felt like I walked around in this fog of "wtf" for quite a while - trying to make sense of what perhaps doesn't make sense because it is not what I was supposed to learn.

I know I'm meant to love big. It's how I'm wired. I hug big. I laugh big. I LOVE BIG. And it isn't meant to be any other way. This I know with 100% certainty.

I also know that I will love again. And the best part is that with this next love, I know that much more about me to make sure that I don't try to force a square peg in to a round hole. This I know with 100% certainty.

I shared with my students the other day about how my goal this term was to find the joy in the everyday together. I shared with them about how sad I was to know they weren't getting the best version of me and that my plan this term was for us to all be the best version of ourselves. I shared with them how much I love them.

And the reason I was able to share this with them is because I trust me again.

I trust my heart again.

And this means I've made my heart whole again and what a beautiful thing this is.