free to be ..... me

  Do you ever wish you could remove your brain from your head to stop the incessant overthinking? I know I sure do and I am guessing that I am not alone. Sometimes I just want my head to shut the f@ck up! Wouldn't it just be that much easier if we could follow our hearts in all that we do in life? Not only would it be easier, I believe life would be that much more beautiful. Yet here we are fighting off the freaking hamster wheel that our heads so often create. This past weekend I struggled with some anxiety on Saturday and Sunday. Looking back at what was making me anxious, if I had just allowed my heart to lead, my head wouldn't have gone where it did! Alas, hindsight is always 20/20 and we don't have the luxury of re-living those moments. What we do have though is the ability to communicate those moments to those that are close to us and work through the "thoughts" that might be making us feel vulnerable, or scared, or worried or whatever it may be. I had 2 ...

  Well .... do you? 😉 I ask that in jest but I also ask it because it makes me think of the movie Runaway Bride when Julia Roberts is trying to decide what kind of eggs she likes. If you are not familiar with the movie, her character has a habit of falling in love quickly and in the process, she almost absorbs or disappears in to her partner and takes on all of his likes and dislikes. At one point in the movie, she decides enough is enough and she makes a huge variety of eggs because she says, "I don't even know what kind of eggs I like." After trying all of the dishes she prepared, she declares that she doesn't even like eggs. So my question for you is, do you like eggs? This is something I have had to revisit often over the past few years - not eggs in the literal sense but what do I like? What do I value? Who am I at my core? What makes my heart happy and what just doesn't sit well with me? I was recently asked the question - "why were you not just honest...

Have you ever received a message or a phone call that just felt heavy? I mean not in the sense that anything tragic happened - it just felt heavy. That's what happened for me the other day and it felt like the 50lbs of "weight" I'd been carrying and finally shed was starting to pile back on. This past week was the best teaching week I have had since September. I laughed so much and I know there was some meaningful learning happening in the room. My heart was happy again after what felt like an eternity of sadness. So to feel this heaviness again was kind of shaking me up. I was having a hard time "protecting" my energy. I don't know if protecting is the right word - it's just what comes to mind. I picture this energy shield that I build around myself so that I can keep my boundaries and what works for me. I started asking myself what would help. How could I get back to my happy and keep out what wasn't supposed to be in? A beautiful picture came ...

I know I have not written in almost a month and that likely wasn't the best decision for my mental health, BUT life happens and I refuse to beat myself up over things I "should" or "could" do. I don't actually believe in resolutions as we choose too many things to work on at one time and then set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. I do however, believe in setting goals and this year, my goal is to not push myself so hard. That may seem opposite from what so many others chose as a goal or resolution - and that's a-ok because it's exactly what I NEED. For so many years of my life I have pushed and pushed and pushed - for growth, for change, to make others happy - and I just can't do it anymore. I often referenced that children's book "the little engine that could" or Dory and her "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming". I felt like I couldn't stop because well - I didn't have time to st...