Dear Universe - What is my Lesson?
I looked at that picture every day of my life for I am not sure how many years and I feel like I carry that sign with me wherever I go. When I stop for a coffee at Starbucks, I am always sure to pause, smile and ask my barista (usually by name) how their day is going. When I pass by someone as I am walking Maggie, I make eye contact and say hello. Every single day of my life I try to spread some love in an effort to keep "the world going 'round".
So why do I feel so burned by love right now?
Why am I questioning everything I know to be true about me and who I am?
Universe - please help me find my lesson here because I am feeling extremely lost.
I have felt paralyzed for quite some time now when it comes to sharing how I am doing, what I am thinking, how I am feeling, etc. I despise showing just the highlight reel - it's not for me. When I was in my darkest days, if I had found a social media account that only showcased the highlight reel, it only would have added to my darkness. I want people to know that I am a real human that goes through all the ups, downs and everything in between. I want people to know that I work on being my best self every single day and that there are many times that it feels really hard to do just that.
Out of respect for the people in my lives that either requested not to have personal information shared on social media or are my children and deserve their own privacy, I have felt it impossible to express myself. This has been a horrible feeling for me. I always process better through my fingers than I do through my mouth or head and this inability to do just that has had me struggling.
Just over a month ago, my long term 8 year relationship ended. This is not about her though. This is about me. This is my journey to healing and to hopefully, one day, believing in love again. I do have a website already for our coaching business but I needed a space away from all eyes, including hers, to write. I needed a space to share what is going on in my head and heart so that I can, overtime, heal. The biggest piece for me is to just be able to write and ask the questions, the hard questions that may take quite a lot of time to find the answers to.
I have been told over the past few weeks that being there for me on this journey as a parent isn't possible and that in order to preserve our business relationship, that distance has to be our reality right now. I have been told that I didn't listen or acknowledge when it came to parenting suggestions and ideas. I have been told many more things that caused her hurt and NONE of it I can process or make sense of.
When we first got together, I knew she didn't want to live with me and the kids. I also knew that she was going through a horribly stressful divorce and needed love and support in her life. The kids and I needed a house, so she "moved in with us". Without going in to too much detail, the next few years saw myself and my kids walking on egg shells making sure that everything was ok for her. We would stay away to let her nap, we would be as silent as possible on the stairs to make sure we didn't disturb, we would watch tv in the cold garage .... we all tried to make our home a home for her even though she didn't want to be there.
Having the heart that I do, I couldn't bring myself to ask her to leave plus I always had this unwavering hope that things would get better, get easier. There was only one time in our 8 years that I reached my breaking point and asked her to get out. There were hundreds of times I wanted to, but I couldn't. I couldn't carry the weight of knowing that if I asked her to leave, she would move back to Brazil where she didn't want to be. I know it's not my responsibility and that if she did decide that, it's her decision - at the same time, I couldn't carry that weight on me. So I kept trying. I kept giving. I kept hoping. Hoping that things would just get easier and that love wouldn't feel so hard.
It's funny because I often see those posts that say "don't lose yourself in your relationship" and I wonder, "did I lose me?" I didn't. I believe I actually found me. She forced me to find my voice. She forced me to figure out what I truly value in this life. And for these things, I am eternally grateful. I have a wonderful relationship with my 3 beautiful children and I don't know if I would have this gift it wasn't for her forcing me to truly discover who I am. So I didn't lose me along the way, but I definitely gave too much.
I think there is a really stubborn part of me that likes to prove people wrong. I noticed this the other day when a stranger commented on a reel I had made on Instagram saying that I was an attention seeker. Every ounce of me wanted to prove him wrong. Why? I don't need to prove anything to anyone! Looking back over the years I think I wanted to prove to her that love is easy. Not that relationships are but that love is. I wanted to prove to her that what she experienced before is not love and that by giving her chance after chance and by my stubborn efforts to keep trying, we would get to this magical place that I could see in my mind.
So I kept on giving and giving and trying and shifting ..... until I literally had nothing left in me to give. I remember at one point early on in the summer telling her that I didn't believe in love anymore because it's not supposed to feel this hard. I remember telling her that I was just tired of constantly being rejected - I was wanted fully and completely when I didn't have my kids but I was only "dated" when I did have them. I remember telling her that in my mind, she should be the first person my kids want to call (next to their dad) if they needed something. I remember telling her over and over that parenting will never be black and white so a black and white solution to a struggle won't work. This was all so draining on my spirit.
To hear her now tell me that it hurts so much to have your person not listen to or acknowledge your opinions is incredibly infuriating for me .... and there is this part of me that wants to prove to her that I was the one listening; she wasn't. Do I need to though? Do I need to try to prove to her something that she clearly will never understand? I don't know. I know with all of my heart that I did listen - some of the things I didn't want to hear so I chose not to (like her constant reminder that she never wanted to live with us) - but I always listened. Is that enough? To just leave it there?
I don't know the answers to these questions - all I know is I keep asking the universe what my lesson is here. Am I supposed to love more guarded? Am I supposed to give less? Am I supposed to not trust love? Those don't feel like they are the lessons I am supposed to receive but it's all I can make sense of right now. I feel tired. I feel broken into a million pieces. I feel so incredibly angry. And then I feel so much pain it is difficult to breathe.
So what is my lesson universe?
Please help me with this because at this moment in time, I don't trust love and it almost feels like I will never trust it again. I know I have my flaws and struggles - but in my mind, I did so much right .... for her, for me, for love. How do I get to a place where I can trust to try again?
Thank you for listening Universe. I will keep my heart open for the answers and in the meantime, I'll hold on to all of the love from my kids, from my family, from my friends, and from above.
Heartbroken and trying to heal,
Tamara
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