free to be ..... me

 ... can be really, really nasty sometimes. A good friend of mine told me a while ago that she calls it "the itty bitty bitchy committee" and I've used that wording ever since. Once in a while I need to call them gremlins though, because we all know the movie and how when we shine a light on our gremlins, they turn in to these fluffy little balls of cuteness that really aren't so scary. 😉 Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that the nasty voices in my head are cute little fluff balls. That would be absolutely ridiculous. What I am saying though is that when we shine the light on them, they aren't as scary as we think they are! As some of you know, I recently got myself a new car - well new to me! This was a HUGE step for me as I have not had a car payment since 2004, I JUST moved, and well, let's just be completely honest here, I am a single Mama. Moving further away from work was a necessary step for my family as we are now closer to my ex, close

  .... is exhausting and yet at the same time, so incredibly worth it. It's been such an interesting few months for me. I know I've come a long way on this journey of healing and at the same time,  I know I still have a long way to go. I was driving the other day thinking about my most recent counselling session and I remembered why I stopped going to counselling in the past. When I was going before, it always felt like I was just re-hashing old trauma. I didn't leave my sessions with something to focus on until our next time and I ALWAYS felt so crappy after my sessions. I have learned over the years that our bodies don't actually know we aren't re-living the experience and the exact same chemicals that were released during our traumas are re-released when we re-live them. Think about this. Let's say you were driving down the highway and this car came racing up behind you. Traffic was heavy and you could see this car weaving in and out. Your hands tense on the

  is so much better than being alone and with someone. This I know all too well. There have been so many times in my past 2 relationships where I have felt lonely and it is one of the worst feelings I have experienced.  Looking back I am fully accepting of the fact that in my first relationship, I didn't know how to ask for what I needed. Perhaps that is because I was with someone of the "wrong" gender 😉 but it's also because I truly didn't fully know what I needed or how to ask for the things I knew I needed. In my second relationship I clearly remember voicing that I was feeling lonely, why I was feeling that way and what I needed to not feel that way. Over time though, I gave up using my voice. I think on some level I started believing that I was needy and asking for too much, so I became quiet - and I felt so incredibly lonely. I filled my days with as much work as I could and tried my best to pour my energy in to my kids; yet I could feel myself withdrawing

  ... trust myself again. And I am finding this feeling completely terrifying and paralyzing all at the same time. How? How do I do this? How do I trust that I will listen to my gut? That I will pay attention? That I will not just let someone new in to the innermost parts of my being? I don't know how to do this and I'm finding this feeling incredibly overwhelming.  On Wednesday, I had one of the toughest counselling sessions I've ever had. I really like my counsellor as she doesn't make me re-live trauma and I feel like we have a great connection. I don't find myself censoring what I say - the words just flow - and it's a fantastic feeling. It's also kind of unnerving to have only had my 3rd counselling session and she is saying things about me that my friends have said for years!! Like seriously .... how does she know I'm a giant mush-ball inside? How does she know I want the fairy tale? How does she know that I feel everything SO FUCKING BIG? I asked

  and I feel incredibly sad. I realized the other day that I am no longer angry and it was such a huge relief to look at a photo and not feel any anger. I do not do anger well. I know it served a purpose and likely got me through the past 6 months - it just feels so foreign in my body and I don't know what to do with it other than write (and cry). It's interesting to me - I started this blog to help me process how I feel. I needed a space to allow my fingers to express what was going on in my head and my heart. I never started this blog to bash someone else or to spread lies or hate. Yes my ex has come up in some of my writings here - for me though, it was always about working through my feelings, my emotions, my confusion, my frustration. So it's incredibly hard for me to now be on the receiving end of public posts that are clearly untrue. Last Wednesday evening, I received a message with a picture of a recently posted reel. The picture said, "I was dumped over text m

  .... do I have to be? And you know what really sucks? Writing that sentence down. It's one thing for me to have these feelings - it's another thing to actually write it - it becomes more real for me. And so the vicious cycle of overthinking starts ... .... and being stuck in my head is one of the most frustrating feelings ever. It's moments like these that I wish it was possible to turn my brain off. Seriously brain, why are you on these non-stop loops? Why is it so hard to just slow down and be in a moment? Why does this maze of words and thoughts feel like it truly never ends? Ever since I had Jamie, I knew I was a chronic over-thinker. I remember these conversations with my social worker at the time where I literally couldn't get my brain to slow down no matter what I tried. That's part of the reason I started running - I wanted my legs and body to keep up with my brain. I also at times would find myself pulling my eyebrow hairs out on my way to therapy so I co