free to be ..... me

  is so much better than being alone and with someone. This I know all too well. There have been so many times in my past 2 relationships where I have felt lonely and it is one of the worst feelings I have experienced.  Looking back I am fully accepting of the fact that in my first relationship, I didn't know how to ask for what I needed. Perhaps that is because I was with someone of the "wrong" gender 😉 but it's also because I truly didn't fully know what I needed or how to ask for the things I knew I needed. In my second relationship I clearly remember voicing that I was feeling lonely, why I was feeling that way and what I needed to not feel that way. Over time though, I gave up using my voice. I think on some level I started believing that I was needy and asking for too much, so I became quiet - and I felt so incredibly lonely. I filled my days with as much work as I could and tried my best to pour my energy in to my kids; yet I could feel myself withdrawing ...

  ... trust myself again. And I am finding this feeling completely terrifying and paralyzing all at the same time. How? How do I do this? How do I trust that I will listen to my gut? That I will pay attention? That I will not just let someone new in to the innermost parts of my being? I don't know how to do this and I'm finding this feeling incredibly overwhelming.  On Wednesday, I had one of the toughest counselling sessions I've ever had. I really like my counsellor as she doesn't make me re-live trauma and I feel like we have a great connection. I don't find myself censoring what I say - the words just flow - and it's a fantastic feeling. It's also kind of unnerving to have only had my 3rd counselling session and she is saying things about me that my friends have said for years!! Like seriously .... how does she know I'm a giant mush-ball inside? How does she know I want the fairy tale? How does she know that I feel everything SO FUCKING BIG? I asked ...